Sunday, April 1, 2007

The Joys of Motherhood: Part I

The Joys of Motherhood Part 1

It has been awhile...a long while since I've really written anything even semi-creative. In fact if I think back it was before I even had a child so why not use this blog space to tap back into my so-called creative writing skills. Though I am sure they are quite rusty and lacking since well it's been awhile. So here goes the first installment in the Joys of Motherhood Part 1. Enjoy for those of you who can sympathize and those who do not yet have kids take it as a word of advice and the brutal honest truth of becoming a mother and the um joys it entails. Yeah uh the joys it entails! :)

Sleepless Nights

Before you became a Mom, your friends who were already Mom's used to share willingly the stories of how wonderful it is to be a Mom. These Mom's were even able to spin quite the tale on how even the sleepless nights were worth it, because it was "a bonding experience with the baby". Though, what they fail to mention is that after months, and I do mean months, of sleepless nights it isn't all that much of a bonding experience when really, what you want is a night of uninterrupted sleep. Oh sure, the first couple months it's no big deal, because you cannot sleep anyway due to first time Mom jitters. Even the sound of the cat breathing keeps you awake and basically you are running on some kind of adrenaline high anyway. Well, after about the third month, you come off that high. In fact, you come crashing back down to reality, and your body then realizes, what it needs most is SLEEP! You are not asking for much, just 4 or 5 straight hours of sleep. Boy, don't you feel duped in believing that when you were childless, and your friends with children mentioned midnight feedings, you thought the baby would fuss at midnight, you would feed the sweet little darling, and before you know it the baby would be peacefully sleeping and you yourself would also fall into your own dreamland. Reality hits hard when you realize midnight feedings are every 2 hours...maybe 3 hours if you are lucky. But in that 2-3 hour span you are required to get the baby to nurse or bottle feed, burped (which can take awhile), then changed, and finally rocked back to sleep. When all that is done though, you find that you are now fully awake, with no possibility of even closing your eyes and finding a bit of sleep.

So here it is 1 a.m. and you find yourself sitting in front of your computer monitor, checking e-mails, playing a game of solitaire, checking your myspace or the like. Then finally, sleep begins to sound like a good idea again. You make your way back to your bedroom, crawl into bed, snuggling deep into the covers, laying your head on your oh so comfortable pillow, eyes drooping closed, peeking just one more time at the clock that reads 1:57 a.m. Aaaaah, there you are, falling head first into the wonderful, euphoric state of sleep. Then you hear your little one stir on the baby monitor that you've positioned right next to your head. You begin to panic, thinking no this cannot be. You are mere seconds away from falling asleep. Is this some sort of cruel joke? Your eyes dart frantically to the clock once again, the time reads 2:04 a.m. Your not so dear husband, at this point is snoring peacefully next to you. Oblivious to any sound that could possibly come from that dreadful baby monitor. You fight the incredible urge to elbow your husband in the side, but instead you choose to wrap yourself in your blanket, pretending to be asleep. All the while, you hear every sound coming from the baby's room. You curse the person who invented the damn baby monitor. Telling yourself you grew up just fine and your Mom didn't need a stinkin' baby monitor. You steal another glance with one eye this time mind you, at the digital display on the clock 2:06 a.m. Willing yourself to just go to sleep for crying outloud. You are wasting precious seconds here because of your paranoia. Finally you feel it. Sleep is on its way! The feeling of sleep engulfing you is better than any day at a spa, hell you tell yourself a night of restful sleep is even better than any sex. Which when you think about it, it is sex that got you in this situation in the first place. But enough of that now...sleep, oh wonderful sleep. You feel sleep wrapping itself all around you from head to toe. Why yes, this IS so much better than sex. You feel yourself smiling, this state of slumber feels so incredible.

You begin to dream, and oh what a dream it is. You are on a white sandy beach, looking mighty fine in your bikini, of course, this has to be you before you had the baby, sipping pina coladas, bare chested, chisled men waiting on you hand and foot. You hear the waves of the sea lapping at the beach, then flowing gracefully back out to the ocean. You are thoroughly enjoying your view of the hot, sexy men, oh yeah and the ocean too. Next thing you know, Mr. Sweet Cheeks (that's the name you give him since you have no idea what his real name is, but he does have a nice set of cheeks if you know what I mean) offers to rub you down with sunblock. How could you refuse such an offer and from someone so sexy. So you roll over onto your stomach. Mr Sweet Cheeks is rubbing sunblock on your shoulders, up and down the sides of your arms, across your upper back. He then moves down to the back of your thighs. Oh, this is absolute bliss. Heaven almost. You then hear the wind howling loudly in your ear. What is this...trouble in paradise. Oh wait, that is just the sound of your husband snoring loudly in your ear. Damn him for trying to take away your moment of bliss. This time you do elbow him in his side to shut him up before he ruins your dream. Hubby grunts and snorts, as he rolls over, barely noticing he was elbowed sharply in the side. But at this moment, you could careless because you are going back to paradise. Now where were you...oh yes the rub down by Mr. Sweet Cheeks...back to those calves and thighs. He even gives you a foot massage before all is said and done. You cannot even remember the last time you had a foot massage, let alone by someone as fine as Mr. Sweet Cheeks. After your massage from head to toe Mr. Sweet Cheeks brings you another drink, since you basically gulped down the pina colada. This time he brings you sex on the beach. You sit there happily sipping your drink, reading a steamy romance novel. Before long, your imagination gets the best of you and you begin fantasizing about Mr. Sweet Cheeks and you having your own "sex on the beach". But, just as quickly as this fantasy is playing out in your mind, you are quickly jolted back to reality on the beach, as a crab has latched onto your big toe. You scream out in pain as you roll around in the sand, flailing your foot about, trying to shake off this crab who has mistaken your toe for its lunch. You whack your head on a coconut, which jars you painfully back to reality.

You suddenly realize it has all been a dream, however, you somehow managed to roll right out of bed and that coconut you whacked your head on, was really your bedside night stand. But to be sure it was just a dream, you grab at your big toe to make sure it is still there. Just as you are about to crawl into bed, you hear the baby wailing on the monitor. Your eyes dart to the clock and see it is now 2:14 a.m. and your not so dear husband, has managed to sleep through you falling out of bed, whacking your head on the night stand, and the screams of your little angel. An hour and a half later, you stumble back to bed, knowing that in 30 minutes or so the whole process starts over once again. Just as you close your eyes, your husband rolls over and says "you just getting to bed, it's going on 4 a.m."

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