Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Feeling helpless...

I found out on Friday my Mom has Alzheimer's. My Mom is only 52 years old. I've suspected it for some time now, but to get anyone in this place to take it seriously or to think that COULD even be a possibility was hard to do. We went to a neurologist in 2005 and I think to myself if he had not been so close minded then, to the fact she could have it and that she wasn't too young to have it, maybe we wouldn't have lost two years of slowing it down. More time to have with my Mom remembering. In my heart I knew it wasn't just depression. I knew it was something more. I thought I would feel relief that it was something more than just depression, but now I am angry because I know what lies ahead for the most part. I feel selfish for feeling angry. I feel sad and honestly I feel scared. My Great-Grandma (my Mom's Grandma) had Alzheimer's and I remember her well and what the disease did to her. I am scared to know that one day my Mom may not recognize me or recoginze my daughter. I don't want to become a stranger to my own Mom. It is hard enough that she cannot recall how old I am or when my birthday is. Things before this ugly disease invaded her mind she could recall without a second thought. Now it is like a complete blank to her. But I know that is not the worst of what is to come. Someday she may look right at me and think I am but a stranger. She may not remember I am her daughter. She may not remember my name or that she gave birth to me. She may look at my daughter and wonder who this little girl is.

I am sad for being only 30 years old and watching my Mom simply fade away, unable to stop this from happening. Unable to fix what is broken. I am angry, because I feel like my family is slowly withering away. My Mom has always been my life, my heart, and my best friend. She has always been there for me no matter what. How do you not feel angry, sad, and scared as hell. I have never in my life felt so completely powerless an helpless. I am angry because I feel like my daughter is losing out on knowing the most amazing woman in my life. I am angry because Ava will never have the grandma I always imagined and dreamed she would have. I am angry at myself for being angry. When I lost my Grandpa 4 years ago that was hard enough and I was not ready to say good bye to him...and now here I am just 4 years later and facing the one of the hardest moments of my life. How do you stand by and watch the person you would lay down your life for, just slowly slip away?

I am having a harder time accepting this than I thought. I thought I would be okay once I knew what the diagnosis was, because then I would know what is going on. But how does one accept a diagnosis that basically will erase most of the memories of ones existance? There is no cure for this, at least yet anyway. There are medicines that can slow down the process, but what are you slowing down? I mean it just draws out the process of the disease and what is inevitable. Is it not painful enough to endure, let alone to slow it down, but knowing you cannot stop it. Eventually it will have its way and in the end it is going to overtake you no matter what medicines you take. Right now I am just angry.

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