Thursday, July 29, 2010

Crack in a Cookie

Did I just say crack in a cookie?!?! Why yes! Yes I did! And it is perfectly legal. You can find my crack dealer at an local grocery store and he likes to hang out in the cookie aisle obviously. And he has pointy elfin shaped ears and goes by the name of Keebler! Keebler says these cookies are new, but I am certain they have just been keeping this cookie to themselves for years! They are Cheesecake Middles and they are heaven!


Those ever loving Keebler elves have created yet another crack induced product. I am quite certain if any one at Wal-Mart or any major grocery store chain took even one little nibble of this cookie they would create a separate aisle just for this little delicious nugget. The wouldn't even be able to keep them in stock because as soon as a truck would come in the stock clerks would be mauled as we cookie crackheads were trying to find our cartons of cookies. Yes these cookies are that damn good.
It is one of those cookies that you just can't stop at one and even though you try to hide them in the back of the cabinet or in the darkest corner of your attic or basement your mind can't help but drift to the next time you can eat one of these yummy cookies. It consumes your thoughts. And though I don't really have a crack addiction and never have, I do imagine this might be what it would be like. Though without the shakes and sweats. I don't recommend these cookies to any pot smokers though because you will eat the entire pack in one sitting and that wouldn't be good for your hips or your ass and the Obama administration is trying to get a handle on obesity...just saying. And The Biggest Loser is all about the Pound for Pound challenge so if you are taking part in that, well then you might just want to forget you ever saw this post!
Though I do think when I take Ava to visit Santa this year I am going to slip some of these yummies to the big guy so he brings me and Ava the biggest most bad ass presents ever. And I will be sure to leave him out a plate of them so he knows he has stopped at the right house. And I am pretty sure that will guarantee our names to also be right at the top of the nice list for the rest of our ever loving lives, even though these cookies have to be quite sinful and the work of those evil little elves. I am pretty sure though Rudolph will hate me next year since he is going to have a lot more weight to pull and it won't be from all the extra presents Santa is bringing Ava and me...might have to add another reindeer or two to haul the extra weight of Santa which will be christened with the names Ava and Mandi or maybe Crack and Cookie!
Well I'm off to write a new Christmas song about Santa and his new reindeer posse...but first I think I need to enjoy some cheesecake middles to get me in the writing mood!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Status Shuffle Updates...

Oh yeah if you are a facebook user and you have more than 2 friends you probably know exactly what I am talking about. Those often times annoying status shuffle updates. Now don't get me wrong some of them are quite humorous and can even be laugh out loud funny, but then there are the annoyingly pathetic lost loved, he doesn't deserve me, why do I date total losers, but still wish he loved me status shuffle updates. One of the annoying, if not THE most annoying one in the entire universe is, "if he doesn't love you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best"! Wow Status Shuffle you know how to speak the words of a woman's thoughts and heart! And women really post this! That is what really gets me more than anything! Then in the facebook world countless friends and acquaintances "like" the post, which in the real world is equivalent to a hi-five! And 99.999999% of the likers of said update are female! Though I am that .000000000001 percent of the female population that is sitting at her laptop and thinking wtf and rolling my eyes at yet again this update.

Getting back to the most annoying status shuffle comment above let's just say ladies, ladies, ladies...Get Over It! Who cares really? I mean OK so he's a loser and he doesn't want you, why oh why must we air to the world of facebook how pathetic we are feeling. When you hit send to post that comment do you feel like you are accomplishing some great feat in this world? Do you feel vindicated. Is that like equivalent to flipping him off the facebook way??? Do you think that by posting that he is going to be sitting at home secretly hoping you post about how he screwed up and he should love you at your best and your worst? Will his friends give him hell because he doesn't want you anymore? No! He won't be! He is out looking for someone else. He has moved on! As should you! And if by some chance his friends to see this, they are probably laughing at how pathetic it is. He isn't thinking wow she must really be hurt since she posted that update...wow I am such an ass! I should text or call her or whatever other means of communication is available. I am pretty sure pathetic doesn't top the list of desirable character traits/qualities that he is looking for. And if it is...well then that might be a good indicator for you to start running in the opposite direction!
The Status Shuffle on facebook should be used for funny...not pathetic and whiney! Your sarcastic a-hole friends like me will love you for it! And for any friends of mine who have ever used this update I still love you and I will be more than happy to talk crap about your loser of an ex any day! :)